M.E.G.A. Facts, Fiction, Features, Futures, Fun........

MEGA SEEKS EASTBOURNE’S OWN CLARKESON

Is there a rebel with a rake out there?

Tired of tofu-thumping tattletales and sand-sifting sanctimony? MEGA is launching a full-throttle search for our very own Clarkson of the Coast – someone who’s not afraid to get muddy, call out the compost conspiracies, and plant the seeds of truth (preferably while on a tractor, shirt half open, muttering about council bylaws).
Is this you? Les Us Know.

Eastbourne
Needs a Sister

(City, Not Scandal)

M.E.G.A. is launching an international charm offensive – and no, it’s not just another council distraction. We’re searching for Eastbourne’s official sister city. We want edge. We want a partner in civic satire.
Top contenders so far?
Eastbourne, UK – “Battle of the Bournes”
Dull, Scotland – Already paired with Boring, Oregon. Hell, Michigan –& Nowhere, Oklahoma – Sounds about right.
Got a better idea? Know a town that’s mad, magnificent, or just mildly confused? Send us your nominations. It's time Eastbourne got a sibling worth talking about.

From Facts to Fuchsia: The Great Colourwash of Crisis Reporting

Once upon a time, news told us what was actually happening—wind speeds, rainfall totals, fault lines, flood levels. Now? It’s just colours. Red alert. Orange warning. Purple haze. Somewhere between a paint chart and a panic attack, the public is left squinting at a rainbow and guessing whether to pack an umbrella or build an ark.
We don’t need vibes—we need verified info.
Because when everything is a “Code Red,” nothing is.
MEGA says: Bring back the numbers. Leave the crayons for kindy.

Sow & Piglets: A Portrait of Selective Sympathy

At MEGA, we’re not saying women and children don’t suffer. Of course they do. Just look at this image — heartbreaking, noble, denim-heavy. But somewhere out there, there's a terrified, underrepresented boar crawling through barbed wire, clutching a half-eaten turnip, wondering why no one put him on a billboard.
But what about the boars?

Let’s be honest: tragedy marketing has a type — and it’s not tusked and testicled.

Is Joy Next on the Chopping Block?

Crikey. The Aussies have done it — banned under-16s from social media. No TikTok, no Insta, no Snap. Just YouTube, because nothing says “healthy development” like ten hours of hamster mazes and flat-earth documentaries.

Now Prime Minister Luxon is frothing at the mouth, waving the Aussie ban around like a Bledisloe Cup. He says the phone ban in schools worked, so why not block the whole internet while we’re at it?

MEGA says: pull the plug on this nonsense, not the Wi-Fi. Because forcing them offline won’t make them smarter — just more likely to take up poetry. And nobody wants that.

Decline of the American Empire

Once upon a time, America sent men to the moon. Now it sends two pensioners to debate night and hopes they don’t trip over the teleprompter.

One mumbles through a sentence like he’s chasing it with a walker, the other shouts over it like it owes him money.

And these are the options for Leader of the Free World. It’s not a democracy — it’s a slow-motion pratfall with nuclear codes.

Bourne to Win Tuesdays

Indoor sports, a warm bar, and questionable skills — it’s where grown-ups go to play indoors on a winter Tuesday.

Forget the couch, skip the Netflix scroll, and come where the lights are on, the bar’s open, and the competition is... mildly competitive.
There may be no medals, but there’s pool, darts, cards, indoor bowls, bar snacks, and the occasional victory dance that probably shouldn’t happen. Come for a quiet pint, stay for a showdown at the dartboard, or challenge someone to chess and pretend it’s tactical genius, not luck. And yes, we do laugh at people trying to get up off the indoor bowls mat.
The bar’s open, the snacks are out, and the doors are open to everyone – members, locals, newcomers, and anyone just looking for something to do on a Tuesday.

Eastbourne Bowling Club – 179 Muritai Road
Tuesdays from 4pm – 8pm
No need to book. No need to bowl. Just show up.

Operation: The Order of the Pig is officially underway

We’ve got the talent. We’ve got the drama

While the King hands out knighthoods, we’re handing out something far more prestigious Introducing:
THE O.I.N.K. LIST
Order of Irreverent Noteworthy Kiwis
Because if they won’t knight us, we’ll knight ourselves.
The O.I.N.K. List recognises truly exceptional New Zealanders for their undeniably questionable contributions to civic life.
TITLES INCLUDE:
– Sir Snout
– Dame Diggory
– Commander of the Bacon Empire (C.B.E.)
– Knight of the Round Trough
WITH OFFICIAL CITATIONS:
– “For Services to Passive-Aggressive Bunting at Council Meetings”
– “For Heroic Avoidance of Roundabout Funding Commitments”
NOMINATIONS NOW OPEN
Submit your finest local legends now at theoffice@mega.kiwi.nz. Anonymous entries accepted.

Barry Cam™

Watching the Hutt. Watching Mum. Watching Everything.

Hutt City has quietly unveiled a $3.5 million, 387-camera surveillance network—officially to “reduce crime” and “increase safety.” But locals can’t help noticing one suburb under intense watch… and one family feud under the lens.
Right as Mayor Campbell Barry and wife Laura sued Laura’s mum, Debra Harris, over a shared property, the city rolled out its new, ratepayer-funded surveillance grid.
Coincidence? Like forgetting Mother’s Day? We think not.

“I came into council with a vision,” Barry said. Apparently, that vision included watching every driveway from Avalon to Eastbourne in 1080p.
He calls it a “smart investment.” We call it Barry Cam™.
Sure, it might stop crime—but mostly the kind involving dirty dishes or shared driveways.

Now that Barry’s not seeking re-election, maybe he’s hoping the cameras will carry on his legacy—keeping an eye on the Hutt. And on Mum.

The Colonel Cometh
to Lowry Bay?
Finger-Lickin'
History Under Threat!

Just when you thought Eastbourne couldn't get any tastier—or perhaps greasier—word on the salty streets is that the venerable Skerrett Boat Shed in Lowry Bay, a cherished Edwardian icon dating back to 1906, may soon be trading nautical knots for chicken buckets.
Yes, you've read that right: the historical gem, might soon find itself home to the Colonel's famous 11 herbs and spices. Can it survive the tidal wave of drive-thru customers seeking crispy thighs and drumsticks?
Naturally, not everyone in Lowry Bay is thrilled. While Wanaka's recent McDonald's fiasco ended with locals flipping more than burgers to halt the golden arches, notoriously conservative locals are already preparing to deep fry this crispy invasion with heated letters, scathing petitions, and whispered threats of civil unrest—or at least strongly worded objections at the next Council meeting.
Lowry Bay could soon be a landmark for entirely new reasons, as passing traffic picks up not just historical vibes but takeaway orders too.
[April 2025]

Eastbourne Goes Au Naturel: Clothing Optional Zone
at Days Bay

In a bold move that’s sure to raise eyebrows and maybe a few goosebumps, Hutt City Council has quietly approved a new “clothing optional” area at the northern end of Days Bay Beach.
The pilot initiative, comes after “months of cheeky lobbying” championed by local group MEGA, encourages body positivity, freedom of expression, and perhaps a little Vitamin D in unexpected places. “We believe Eastbourne should be open-minded — and occasionally open-cheeked,” said a MEGA spokesperson. “This is all part of a broader plan to “liberate Eastbourne, one buttock at a time.”
Enthusiastic Locals are already making the most of the relaxed dress code, with sunbathers of all shapes and ages already embracing what could be the new normal. Reactions range from enthusiastic applause to nervous side-eyes, but most agree it’s added a fresh breeze to the coastal community.
Council sources hinted that a trial will run through next summer, with full review in autumn – weather and public decency complaints permitting.
Sun’s out, buns out, Eastbourne!
North Days Bay: where the only thing not optional is sunscreen.
[April 2025]

Fencing Fiasco!

Yes, our HCC & ECB with the assistance of council 'officers' seem to have again wasted time and money by erecting totally unnecessary sets of posts and ropes in front of the ESSC Clubrooms in Eastbourne. WHY?

Not to contain the rampant penguin invasion or the hordes of rabid dogs apparently.

They sprayed and killed of the flax plants and other native fauna which now lie rotting in the sand, drove away the tui's and other birds which patrons always enjoyed, for what?

And now the kids and the elders stumble and fall across this man made hazard that no one asked for or wanted.

Where is Eastbourne's Residents Association?
Every other 'Bay' has one.
Maybe such a community organisation would help fight for these issues and others instead of leaving it to the 'toothless' ECB.
[April 2025]

Eastbourne’s Never-Ending Cycleway Saga: A Comedy of Errors

Remember what was meant to be a picturesque shared pathway for Eastbourne was swept away at Windy Point when the grand reconstruction ended in a twisted pile of metal—twice. The council insisted the barriers were just “skeletons”.
With the budget bloating from $30 million to $80 million and planning held together with bungee cords and wishful thinking, we are still left questioning whether this project is even remotely seaworthy. At the time, Mayor Campbell Barry dodged interviews faster than a cyclist avoiding debris on Marine Drive.
But what did this f@#$ - up cost? Who was responsible?

MEGA suggests that the metal ‘junk’ heap could/should be turned into a contemporary sculpture and permanently centre-pieced at the intersection and temporary roundabout at Marine Parade/Marine Drive / Muritai Road.
[April 2025]

Double Trouble in Aotearoa: Wizard Finds His Wandering Twin!

In a twist so magical it could only happen in New Zealand, Christchurch’s iconic Wizard has discovered a long-lost twin—living right here in Eastbourne.

Meet Stephen 'Snifter' Phillips: local eccentric, self-styled street sorcerer, and possessor of a booming voice that’s permanently set to “public announcement.” Known for his surreal monologues that dance between genius and gibberish, Snifter had no idea he shared both DNA and dramatic flair with New Zealand’s most spellbinding character.

“I always felt drawn to pointy hats, staffs, and yelling at public transport,” said Snifter. “Now I know why—it’s in the blood.”

After hearing whispers of an Eastbourne wizard who could bend logic and volume in equal measure, the Wizard of Christchurch could be making a ley line north to meet his metaphysical match. Their meeting could be described as a scene somewhere between the Big Bang and a philosophy lecture in a wind tunnel—loud, intense, and deeply confusing.

The resemblance is uncanny. The ability to speak endlessly while making little sense? Identical. Experts believe it may be a rare cosmic anomaly—or just very powerful beards.
MEGA is thrilled to welcome Snifter to the “Council of Confounding Characters,” our Eastbourne answer to the nation’s original enchanter. And yes, we’re now planning a “Battle of the Beards” on Rimu Street: Wizard vs Snifter, winner gets a flagon of kombucha and naming rights to the next incoming southerly.

Stay enchanted, Eastbourne. Greatness is brewing !
[April 2025]

IS ROSS JAMIESON MAKING A COMEBACK?

Rumours swirl as talk of Eastbourne secession heats up.

Word on the windy waterfront is that Ross Jamieson—yes, that Ross Jamieson—
is plotting a political comeback that could shake the shaky foundations of Hutt City Hall.
The man who was literally the last Mayor of Eastbourne before it was gobbled up in the 1989 amalgamation,
Jamieson recently resurfaced during the 2024 legal stoush over the future of community boards. And now?
Well, according to sources who may or may not have overheard something at the dairy, he wants Eastbourne back.

Not just the board. The whole borough. With rumours of a MEGA-inspired push for Eastbourne and the Bays to secede from Lower Hutt at this year’s local body elections, Jamieson is allegedly eyeing the top job—again. That’s right: Mayor of Eastbourne. The Sequel.

“He’s got unfinished business,” one source close to a guy who once mowed his lawn told us.
“Ross believes Eastbourne deserves its own leadership, its own vision, and frankly, its own rates.”

Adding fuel to the fire? The current Mayor of Lower Hutt, Campbell Barry, has announced he’s quitting and won’t seek re-election. With the mayoral chains up for grabs, the timing couldn’t be more perfect for a comeback—and possibly, a breakaway.
The plan? A full-blown ballot-box rebellion. Independence for Eastbourne. Liberation for the Bays.
And Ross Jamieson riding back in—possibly on a cargo bike—as the once and future mayor.
[April 2025]

MEGA Highlights

Revisit Past Articles & Back Stories.