We’re not a political party—just a bunch of locals with a low tolerance for waffle and a high tolerance for mischief. MEGA is part neighbourhood fix-it crew, part satire squad, and part spontaneous parade.
No jargon. No committees. Just Eastbourne, steering its own ship—with a kazoo in one hand and a to-do list in the other.
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MEGA August Dispatch
What a time to be alive in the Wellington region. If you thought things couldn’t get worse, congratulations — they just did.
Luxon Loves Us (Not Really)
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon continues his long-running love affair with Wellington by reminding us, yet again, that he thinks the capital is a joke. At last year’s Local Government NZ conference (hosted right here, bless us), he laid into the city’s “fantasy spending” on things like the Tākina convention centre — a building that, shockingly, isn’t a pothole. He then offered sage advice to all councils: stop being imaginative, and get back to roads, rubbish, and other things the government underfunds.
He wasn’t done. He later called our council “lame-o” (yes, really — that’s apparently statesmanlike language now). His message to Wellington? Sit down, shut up, and don’t expect much unless you start voting National.
Media to the Rescue (Just Kidding)
If you were hoping the media might step in and offer some balance, you must be new here. The capital is now the favourite punching bag of every editor from Auckland to Bluff. Public transport hiccup? It’s a disaster. Office vacancy? We’re doomed. A councillor sneezes in the wrong direction? Call the crisis team.
It’s a full-blown PR landslide, and no one’s offering a shovel.
The Local Dream Team
But let’s be fair. It’s not just Luxon and the press bringing us down. We’ve got plenty of homegrown help.
On the Wellington side, our council is locked in an endless, slow-motion collapse. Leadership is more reality show than civic service, and every attempt to focus on the big picture ends up with a new resignation, scandal, or memo from the Mayor’s office written in interpretive dance.
Meanwhile, across the water in the Hutt, the mayor has apparently confused the job with performance art. Council meetings resemble extended therapy sessions. Major projects remain dreams. Decision-making? Mostly vibes.
Mission: Hollow Out
In case anyone’s still wondering if this is all just a misunderstanding, here’s what’s really happening:
• Public sector jobs down 4.2%
• House prices? Falling like morale
• Major projects axed
• Business confidence circling the drain
It’s not a coincidence. It’s not bad luck. It’s a strategy. Starve the capital, undermine it, then complain it’s starving.
MEGA’s Modest Proposal
Maybe it’s time we painted the whole city blue and changed our name to Greater Auckland-South. Maybe then we’d get a rail upgrade, some functioning pipes, or a Cabinet Minister who doesn’t think we’re just a parking lot for government workers and protest signs.
Until then, we’ll be here in Eastbourne, sipping instant coffee in the ruins, trying to make something great out of what’s left.
Make Eastbourne Great Again. Someone has to.
LEAKED: Hutt City’s 10 - Year Plan
...for Ignoring Eastbourne
Hutt City Council’s dazzling new 10-Year Plan (2024–2034) has officially landed. It's bold, it's visionary, and — crucially — it's 362 pages of bureaucratic jazz hands designed to say:
“We hear you, Eastbourne. Now please hold while we fund everything else.”
Key Highlights from the Leaked Draft:
• 40 Brand-New Wheelie Bins
Mostly to be placed in Petone, with two thoughtfully allocated to Eastbourne (but stored in a depot in Naenae “just in case”).
• Monorail to Days Bay
Not an actual monorail — just the idea of a monorail. To be explored in the “Post-Feasibility Conceptual Aspirational Draft Scoping Plan,” due 2033.
• Councillor Wellness Retreats
A $120,000 annual budget to help decision-makers recover from the mental strain of deciding not to fund Eastbourne.
Locations under review include Bali, Queenstown, or a climate-resilient yurt in Seaview.
• Our library is still a charming shoebox.
• Our cycleway seems to have been designed by morons who don’t live here.
• Our drainage system doubles as a water feature.
• Our community board is still politely clapping as we're shafted — again.
And yet, we pay the highest rates per household in the entire Hutt. Why? Because we're “lucky to live here,” according to someone who lives in Kelson.
• $89 million to consult about consultation on Three Waters
• $14.2 million to install 37km of cycleway in Wainuiomata alone
• $1.1 million for a new “Resilience and Vibrancy Strategy” (printed in full colour on glossy A4)
• A pop-up public art installation in the Lower Hutt CBD made entirely of old LTP binders
We at MEGA propose a counter-plan:
• Immediate resurfacing of all Eastbourne roads (before they become gravel again)
• Full replacement of ageing water pipes (preferably before the next explosion)
• A dedicated Eastbourne line-item in the budget, entitled “Actually Do Something”
And yes, we’ll build the monorail. With cardboard. If we have to.
________________________________________
Final Thoughts:
Eastbourne doesn't want handouts.
We want our fair share — of infrastructure, maintenance, consultation respect, and wheelie bins.
Or at the very least, a rates rebate for putting up with this nonsense.
________________________________________
MEGA – proudly Making Eastbourne Great Again, since Hutt City forgot how.
Construction at Pukatea Sands has been abruptly halted following the discovery of ancient artifacts now confirmed to pre-date the arrival of Māori in Aotearoa—a finding that could upend everything we thought we knew about New Zealand’s human history.
Unearthed by workers on Wellington Harbour’s eastern coastline, the relics include a rusted axe head with Norse runes, a horn drinking vessel, and what’s been described as “a very small Viking helmet, possibly worn by a child—or goat.”
Initial carbon dating suggests these items are centuries older than any known Polynesian navigation to New Zealand, raising baffling questions for archaeologists and a field day for conspiracy theorists.
“This either changes the narrative of Pacific settlement—or someone’s gone to an outrageous amount of trouble to troll us,” said one archaeologist at the scene.
Emergency iwi consultations are underway, and historians have begun a full review. Meanwhile, Eastbourne is suddenly a hotspot for Viking enthusiasts, campervans, and bewildered café patrons.
Developers are reportedly “shaken but responsive,” and have already halted work indefinitely pending further investigation. There is growing speculation about whether the site could become subject to heritage protection orders.
As one protester put it: “We were ready for controversy. We weren’t ready for the Iron Age.”
Stay tuned—history just rewrote itself on the beachfront.
A Layered Pork & Herb Polenta Cake with Smoked Lardons, Caramelised Shallots, and Fennel Crust
“It’s a cake. It’s a meal. It’s a war cry in layers.” — Chef Ramswine
Welcome to Ramswine’s Third Monthly Recipe, where the heat is always on!
"The Snoutgate Savoury Cake" [Recipe #3]
Hamish “Butter-Fingers” Cooker
(Prop (sometimes used as ballast) & MEGA Sportscaster)
Hamish Cooker is a mystery wrapped in muscle, wrapped in a tight-fitting jersey. Despite a vertical leap lower than most shrubs and a tendency to drop anything shaped like a ball, Hamish somehow clawed his way onto the national squad — baffling selectors, teammates, and gravity itself.
It’s said he once caught a kickoff… with his snout. Others claim he was simply so lovable the opposition never tackled him.
Hamish’s signature move, The Truffle Shuffle, involves dropping the ball at pace and recovering it with such determination that it sometimes counts as forward momentum.
MEGA MOUTHPIECE // SPORT // JULY 17, 2025
“SBW Clinches, Gallen Wins, Everyone Yawns”
Sonny Bill Williams has added another line to his eclectic CV: ghost. After losing a messy split decision to Paul Gallen in Sydney, SBW skipped the handshake, dodged the mic, and exited stage left without a single post-fight proverb.
The fight? More cuddlefest than contest. SBW spent the late rounds locked in a sweaty waltz with Gallen, looking like he mistook the bout for a dance audition. Gallen, less poetic, just kept punching. Judges rewarded the latter.
Even the referee looked traumatised. “I was separating more hugs than punches,” one ringside fan muttered.
Gallen looked stunned. “He just vanished,” he said. “Like a motivational TikTok with no sound.”
The Verdict?
The fight? Decent.
The drama? Moderate.
The hugs? Olympic.
The future of SBW’s boxing career? Faded like his corner towel.
No quote. No reel. No mashallah. Just SBW, gone — absorbed into his own legacy of soft exits.
LAWSON’S LAPDOGS: NZ MEDIA DROOLS WHILE REAL WINNERS DO LAPS
Why is the New Zealand media still tripping over itself to worship at the altar of Liam Lawson, Formula 1’s well-groomed benchwarmer, while actual Kiwi champions like Scott Dixon, Scott McLaughlin, and Shane van Gisbergen are out there winning races on the world stage? Dixon is rewriting IndyCar history books, McLaughlin is a force in the same brutal series, and van Gisbergen is tearing up NASCAR’s road circuits like he built them.
Yet somehow, our sports pages and prime-time puff pieces remain fixated on Lawson’s potential rather than performance. It's a masterclass in misdirection from a sports media that wouldn’t know a winner if one lapped them.
Maybe it’s the European glamour, maybe it’s the Red Bull merch, or maybe it’s just the same old pattern: New Zealand’s sports and news media chasing the headline, not the scoreboard.
"Razor talks, the nation nods politely—no one understands a word, but hey, he’s part coach, part riddle, all Black."
Scott “Razor” Robertson may be a world-class coach, but when he talks to the media it’s less chalkboard tactics and more interpretive dance through a blender. Somewhere between the surfer slang, mid-sentence pivots, and philosophical murmurs, the message gets lost—and the nation’s sports journalists nod like they understood a word of it.
The All Blacks might have a game plan, but we’re still waiting on the subtitles.
Forget the couch, skip the Netflix scroll, and come where the lights are on, the bar’s open, and the competition is... mildly competitive.
There may be no medals, but there’s pool, darts, cards, indoor bowls, bar snacks, and the occasional victory dance that probably shouldn’t happen. Come for a quiet pint, stay for a showdown at the dartboard, or challenge someone to chess and pretend it’s tactical genius, not luck. And yes, we do laugh at people trying to get up off the indoor bowls mat.
The bar’s open, the snacks are out, and the doors are open to everyone – members, locals, newcomers, and anyone just looking for something to do on a Tuesday.
Eastbourne Bowling Club – 179 Muritai Road
Tuesdays from 4pm – 8pm
No need to book. No need to bowl. Just show up.
Win $500:
$300 for you and $200 for a local charity you can elect to receive the donation.
It's FREE to enter and no, you don't need to perform, sing or play and instrument. Just write a poem or lyric and enter.
Enter now!
With Lower Hutt’s 2025 local elections creeping toward us like a damp sock, it’s hard to ignore the stale scent of apathy wafting from the council chambers. The current mayor is stepping down, and the list of candidates reads more like a roll call at a tired committee meeting than a slate of inspired leadership. A few repeat names, a recycled councillor or two, and some familiar faces from the sidelines have thrown their hats into the ring—but where’s the fire? Where’s the vision? Where’s the person ready to actually make change happen?
Instead, we’re offered a hollow echo of past promises, polite jostling for status quo, and an electorate left yawning into its ballot envelope.
This city deserves more. Eastbourne deserves more. And if you're reading this thinking “surely someone better could step up…”—that someone is you.
Nominations close 1 August. Ballots drop 9 September. Do something before 11 October, or don’t bother pretending it mattered.
Potholes, cracks, leaking pipes, collapsing edges. No footpaths. Power poles and wires strung up like a bad 1950s experiment. Street lighting? Barely. Safety? Forget it. And yet, somehow, this stretch of coastal chaos is one of the highest-rated zones in Hutt City.
It’s not just embarrassing—it’s insulting.
For too long, Ferry Road has been ignored, patched over, and quietly left behind while the council plays favourites elsewhere. That ends now.
This is the opening shot in the Days Bay Crusade. Not just for a fix—but for fairness. For visibility. For our rates to finally mean something. If the council won’t come to Ferry Road, Ferry Road will come to the council.
No more excuses. No more spaghetti poles. No more silence.
Make Eastbourne Great Again. Starting with Ferry Road.
Discover more about the Cooker family.
Captain Cooker is MEGA's Logo .....
Each month we will explore the Cooker Ancestry over the Centuries.
This month Discover the legendary tale of Sir Porcellus of Tours (1045-1095)—the Crusader pig who sang hymns, hauled relics, and bit history where it squealed. One of the boldest boars in the Cooker family line.
MEGA News | August 2025
As Wellington’s mayoral race descends into theatrical combat, the Hutt sits in eerie silence —
its leadership chair gathering dust, its former mayor in the wind, and Eastbourne’s funding hopes blowing in the breeze.
One city can’t stop shouting. The other won’t start speaking.
Wellington: “The Capital of Consultation and Collapse”
The Wellington City Council seriously considered installing emotional support benches — yes, actual benches — to help residents process the trauma of roadworks, scaffolding, and whatever’s happening with the pipes.
This “urban contemplation furniture” was pitched as a way for Wellingtonians to sit down and reflect on why they haven’t had hot water since April.
MEGA View:
Fix the pipes, not our feelings.
This city doesn’t need mindfulness — it needs maintenance.
Welcome to Wellington: where the roads crumble but our inner peace is publicly funded.
Trump Demands Redskins and Indians Names Back — Offers to Rename Himself “Chief Touchdown Wigwam”rting
In a surprise Truth Social post written entirely in capital letters and exclamation points, former President Donald Trump has demanded that the Washington Commanders and Cleveland Guardians revert to their “original, beautiful, strong names” — the Redskins and Indians — claiming it’s what “the real Native Americans would have wanted if they followed me on Truth Social.”
Trump, now self-declared “Acting Commissioner of Common Sense,” said he’s willing to go further:
“If it helps — I will legally change my name to Chief Touchdown Wigwam, a name the Cherokee people definitely suggested to me in a dream at Mar-a-Lago. Many people are saying it. The best people.”
In response, the ghost of Sitting Bull reportedly tried to reincarnate just to slap him.
MEGA STATEMENT: VOTE FIRST, SHAVE LATER?
Britain just handed 16-year-olds the vote—because who better to run the country than someone who just rage-quit over extra cheese at Subway?
Labour calls it “empowering.”
We call it “terrifying.”
"If you’re too young to rent a chainsaw, you shouldn’t be picking the Chancellor."
MEGA STATEMENT: "Precision Democracy: Now with Extra Children"
They call them surgical strikes. Gaza, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen now look like amputations of entire communities—mostly children.
In Gaza, food drops are followed by bombs. In Syria, hospitals are “neutralised.” In Lebanon, whole families vanish in the name of “de-escalation.”
Western leaders respond with furrowed brows and fresh arms deals. The UN calls it “deeply troubling” and books the next flight out.
Meanwhile, MEGA demands a new rule: if you can’t spell “collateral damage,” don’t cause it.
Tagline:
What about the children? Oh, they’re all accounted for. That’s the problem.
SELF-INVESTIGATION NATION
New Zealand says it’s squeaky clean—then launches a corruption taskforce to check its own pants for stolen cash.
The “least corrupt” country is now eyeballing IRD, ACC, MSD, Corrections, Sport NZ, and Land Info—aka the Six Horsemen of the Rortocalypse.
Billions might be missing, but don’t panic—it’s all “vibe-based accounting.”
The plan? Let the same departments rate their own dodginess. It’s like asking a burglar how secure your house is.
We’re not corrupt—we’re just double-checking… in case.
MEGA suggests a real test:
If your consultant doesn’t have a surname, maybe stop paying them.
MEGA VOICE-CHOICE CAMPAIGN
Ever noticed it’s always a woman's voice at supermarket self-checkouts? And not even a Kiwi one. Why no options?
Where’s the bloke who could grunt, “Sweet as, all scanned”?
Why can’t we pick:
Male voice
Female voice
No voice — just blessed silence?
It’s 2025. We’ve got AI in our fridges but no voice freedom at the checkout?
Sort it out, supermarket overlords.
Whakataki Valley: DOC Gets Haunted by AI
On July 17, 2025, the Department of Conservation’s webpage for Whakataki Valley was found spewing AI-generated horror fiction — full of ghostly figures, mysterious vanishings, and “do not camp here if you value your soul”-style warnings.
DOC called it “coherent gibberish” and took it down, but not before trampers started wondering if the valley had turned into a cursed zone.
MEGA View:
We’d never let AI write unsupervised. We only use it for serious things — like emotional support benches and pork-based economic models.
DOC’s website wasn’t hacked — it got “possessed” by a very creative algorithm.
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