The House of Cooker

From muddy roots to military legend, from backwoods battalions to barbecue diplomacy — the Cooker bloodline is one of grit, glory, and glorious crackling. For over 250 years, this storied porcine dynasty has trotted through history’s wildest chapters: warriors, poets, spies, chefs, athletes, revolutionaries, and one disco-era lounge singer best left unmentioned.

At the helm today stands Captain Cooker XXXIII, but his tale is just the latest in a long line of brave (and occasionally bonkers) ancestors who’ve shaped the world — and often reshaped it in the image of a very determined pig.

This is his story, their story.
Trotters down. Snouts up. History awaits.

Captain Cooker XXXIII - The Eastbourne Enforcer

Defender of the Community, MEGA (Make Eastbourne Great Again) movement’s unofficial mascot and moral overseer.
Birth: 2020 - Secret location rumoured to be under the old Days Bay wharf.
Location:

Eastbourne, New Zealand.


Hidden bunker behind Rimu Street, Eastbourne (rumoured to have secret tunnels under the village)

Family:

Spouse: None officially acknowledged – currently "married to the cause"


Children: None yet recorded – local gossip hints at a scandal with a wild Kāpiti sow

Career:

• Led the “Let the Trees Live” Movement.
• Investigated the Penguin Fence Mystery.
• Elected Mayor-for-Life of Rimu Street.

Founder of PORKPAC .

Known For:

• Exposing bureaucratic absurdities
• Challenging city council over cycleway wastage
• Hosting spontaneous public debates with passerby ducks and joggers

Popularising the slogan: "Make Eastbourne Grunt Again" 

Hobbies / Favorite Foods

• Cycleway patrolling
• Secret acorn stockpiling
• Hosting rogue quiz nights at the RSA 

• Seaweed pie
• Sausage rolls from Eastbourne Bakery
• Liberated fish and chips 

Awards:

"Order of the Golden Snout," "Citizen of the Year (Self-Nominated)," unofficial "Trough of Valor" badge.

Knighthood for Services to Eastbourne (pending)

“He chased off a pack of e-scooter vandals with nothing but a traffic cone and a death stare. Legend.”

Constable Bev Harland

Eastbourne Community Watch

“No one’s protected the penguin fence like him. Not even the council—and they built it.”

Glenys Tait

Days Bay Conservation Society

“Say what you want, but our cycleway hasn’t had a single leisurely commuter since he started patrolling it.”

 Ross Jamieson

Former Mayor
(and Future One, if he gets his way)

More of the 'Cooker' Clan. 

Stories to come in future editions.
Gordon Ramswine
MEGA Chef
Baron Rasher von Feuerflügel
Flying Ace
Hamish “Butter-Fingers” Cooker
All Black
Trufflina “Snouté” Cooker
Super Model
Porka Winfrey
Hogcaster Diva
Mike Hogskin 
NewSquawkZB Host

Are you related to the Cooker Family? 

Let us know. Leave a comment on our Group's Facebook Page:
[Click the Facebook Icon on the Right]

© Copyright 2025 M.E.G.A. - All Rights Reserved - Make Eastbourne Great Again Inc.