The Cooker Dynasty Continued

And so the dynasty marched forward—hoof by hoof, tusk by tusk—
leaving muddy prints across the world’s grandest moments.
From the roar of the Colosseum to the hymns of Jerusalem, the Cooker bloodline has never strayed from history’s main stage. What began with Pigleticus Maximus becomes legend with Sir Porcellus of Tours
—and continues through every bold, bizarre, and bacon-scented chapter to come.

Sir Porcellus of Tours -  1045-1095

In an age of sword and scripture, few beasts trod holier or bloodier ground than Sir Porcellus of Tours. Born in the shadowed woods of Normandy and raised on oats and destiny, this formidable boar galloped through history—first alongside Norman knights at Hastings, then hauling relics and morale across Crusade-scorched sands. With a chainmail-wrapped tail and relic pouch forever clinking, he became both legend and logistics officer, serenading saints with hymns and scandalising clergy with his sharp tongue and sharper tusks. From Bayeux to Jerusalem, from battlefield to cloister, the Trotter of Tours was a pilgrim, warrior, and porcine provocateur.
Location:

Bayeux.


• Home: Began life in a damp stone stable outside Bayeux; later retired to a sun-dappled citrus grove in Sicily, guarded by ex-Crusaders and mildly heretical monks.

• Cause of Death: Fatally bitten on the ear by a rogue Templar during a heated argument over relic authenticity.

Family:

• Married Matilda of Swyne, a former war pig courtesan turned abbess; fathered six piglets including a devout nun, an inventive cook, and a boar credited with early sausage casing design.



Career:

• Served as an auxiliary beast in the Norman cavalry, later became a revered logistics officer in the Crusade Supply Corps, famed for delivering relics and rations alike.

Known For:

• Known For: Being the first pig to “kiss the relics,” leading the sacred swine procession at Antioch, and publicly insulting a cardinal during a poorly received sermon.

• Quirks: Refused to cross any river without a hymn; carried a personal bone fragment he claimed was from St. Crispin (it wasn’t).

Hobbies / Favorite Stuff

• Hoof-calligraphy, hymn-singing at dawn, and collecting suspiciously shiny relics.s.

• Health: Physically robust but suffered lingering nightmares from the Siege of Antioch; known to squeal in Latin during sleep

Legacy:

Remembered as the holy hoofprint in Crusade lore—a symbol of unlikely piety, logistical genius, and well-placed snorts of defiance.

"In all my campaigns, I never saw a knight haul relics with such grace—nor argue theology with such ferocity. Were he human, I’d have knighted him twice."

Godfrey of Bouillon

Leader of the First Crusade

"He was boar and blade, psalm and pig. He kissed relics with more reverence than most men held for their wives. Including mine."

Matilda of Swyne

Wife of Porcellus,
former courtesan turned abbess

"Porcellus did not squeal under pressure—he sermonised. His Latin was dreadful, but the conviction in his eyes made monks weep and cardinals curse."

 Brother Anselmo

Chronicler of the Siege of Antioch


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More of the 'Cooker' Clan. 

Stories to come in future editions.
Gordon Ramswine
MEGA Chef
Baron Rasher von Feuerflügel
Flying Ace
Hamish “Butter-Fingers” Cooker
All Black
Trufflina “Snouté” Cooker
Super Model
Porka Winfrey
Hogcaster Diva
Mike Hogskin 
NewSquawkZB Host

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